Dear Friends,
If you have followed the Gathering Blessings blog, thank you for your support. I am starting a new creative endeavor here. Hope to see you soon!
Mandy
Monday, March 7, 2016
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Compassion on Mother's Day
We give our time, our energy, our very life blood for our children.
For my children, whom we are adopting, it means wrapping my arms around the baggage they have brought into our lives.
There are memories in this family which I did not help to create. There are shadows in this family that hang on to my little ones. Fears rise in their hearts in the middle of ordinary days that I can only hope to understand.
The other night I headed out for a quick walk while my husband made dinner (yes, I'm a lucky girl) and the kids jumped on the trampoline with friends. I let them know I would be back in time for dinner, but the sight of me walking up the road was too much for them. My son yelled "Bye mom!" at the top of his lungs for as long as I could hear him. And my daughter cried out to her friends as she jumped, "Guys, don't you SEE my mom is LEAVING?" Their voices were high pitched, full of stress and fear. The shadow of the mother who left them and never came back lingers still.
Mother's Day is a day of loss and grieving for children who are adopted. Their birth mother is psychologically present every single day, even when not consciously acknowledged. Mother's Day is also a day of loss for so many others, whether they mourn the loss of a mother, the loss of a child, or the loss of a dream of having children.
This Mother's Day, may we be filled with compassion for all as we acknowledge that everyone's journey is unique. May we spend time embracing the dear family and friends who are near us, even as we cry for the ones we miss. It's a day to honor motherhood in all of its many dimensions, and the deep love we hold in our hearts for mothers and children everywhere.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Trial by Fire
Five months? Wow. Hard to believe it's been that long since I wrote a blog entry. It's a pretty good indicator of what life has been like at our house as we go through the process of adopting older kids. I'd like to promise that I'll be posting more frequently, but for now we'll just take it one day at a time.
Our kids are in elementary school. They came to us nearly eight months ago with strongly established preferences, likes and dislikes. They had a strong bond with some members of their birth family (our preferred term for their biological family), which can make bonding with a new family difficult. They also came with a set of behaviors that were ingrained deep inside them during their formative years of life.
Adopting older children is more like a new marriage than welcoming a new baby. Our challenge as parents is to get to know these new family members and find the right balance of high expectations and healthy compromise to make our fledgling relationships work. It ain't easy.
The first six months or so since the kids joined our family, we were on lockdown. As we approach the eight month mark, I feel like we're emerging from a long, dark tunnel. I'm starting to see the light on the other side. We are figuring out what works and what doesn't work for our newly merged family. We're figuring out how attachment and bonding work at this age too.
I'm thankful for everything our kids have taught me about myself, like letting go of perfection. If I don't prioritize connection over perfection, the whole thing unravels. I have a tendency to worry about what people will think of our kids' behavior rather than focusing on the joys we can experience in the midst of the chaos.
So it's been a trial, one of the most stretching things I've undertaken. In my core, I believe it will be worth it. We are already seeing the results of our hard work, but it's not an easy road to walk. It takes more compassion for myself and others than I could have imagined. And I hope to be back on the air waves again soon to share more of our journey.
P.S. - If you know our kids, please don't use their names in this public forum. Thanks!
Our kids are in elementary school. They came to us nearly eight months ago with strongly established preferences, likes and dislikes. They had a strong bond with some members of their birth family (our preferred term for their biological family), which can make bonding with a new family difficult. They also came with a set of behaviors that were ingrained deep inside them during their formative years of life.
Adopting older children is more like a new marriage than welcoming a new baby. Our challenge as parents is to get to know these new family members and find the right balance of high expectations and healthy compromise to make our fledgling relationships work. It ain't easy.
The first six months or so since the kids joined our family, we were on lockdown. As we approach the eight month mark, I feel like we're emerging from a long, dark tunnel. I'm starting to see the light on the other side. We are figuring out what works and what doesn't work for our newly merged family. We're figuring out how attachment and bonding work at this age too.
I'm thankful for everything our kids have taught me about myself, like letting go of perfection. If I don't prioritize connection over perfection, the whole thing unravels. I have a tendency to worry about what people will think of our kids' behavior rather than focusing on the joys we can experience in the midst of the chaos.
So it's been a trial, one of the most stretching things I've undertaken. In my core, I believe it will be worth it. We are already seeing the results of our hard work, but it's not an easy road to walk. It takes more compassion for myself and others than I could have imagined. And I hope to be back on the air waves again soon to share more of our journey.
P.S. - If you know our kids, please don't use their names in this public forum. Thanks!
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