One of Those Days

Yep, it was a rough day, in case the title of this post didn't give it away. It snuck up on me and I wasn't ready for it. For anyone who has lost a child, you will probably understand what I mean by that. There are some occasions when you are prepared for the painful memories. You anticipate that a certain family gathering or holiday will be hard. Other times, though, the intense sadness hits at unexpected times.

It all started over the weekend.

It happened to my husband, Luke, and I at exactly the same moment. There was a family with a baby who looked almost identical to Liza. She had the same hair color and skin tone. She was asleep, and from the angle we saw her at, she looked just like our baby girl used to look when she was asleep.

We stood there, silently, each of us with a single tear running down our cheek. We didn't have to say anything. We both knew. Later, in the car, I said, "that baby today...". And he said, "yeah." I said, "she looked just like her." He was quiet for a minute. "Yeah. I miss her."

Then we went about finishing out our weekend, not thinking or saying much about it. Today, though, the pain came back with a force that was unexpected. Sadness hung like a cloud all morning while I was at work. I literally had to motivate myself about every ten minutes to keep working, to try to do something that resembled productivity. There were cups of coffee with actual caffeine in them (normally I just drink decaf). There were a couple pieces of candy from the drawer in my desk. Anything I could think of to keep my brain occupied. And the sadness still rolled in, wave after wave.

I wasn't specifically thinking about that baby we both saw or the feelings that resulted. I hadn't spent time going over that moment in my mind. Yet it lingered, it brought her back, and the missing her was as strong as the day we held her as she faded away from this life.

When I got home tonight, I told Luke how difficult the day had been. To my relief, he said, "me too." When spouses grieve the death of a child, we're not always in sync. In fact, we rarely are. One of us can be having a terrible day while the other one is humming along, feeling fine. On this occasion, though, we both felt it. The unbearable sadness, the depression, the pain, the longing.

All for one tiny little baby. So much love that it hurts.



Liza Jane at a little over 3 weeks old. Her facial expression is telling us that her tummy is bothering her. Due to her heart condition, she didn't always have enough blood flow to her digestive system, which caused her pain sometimes. Here, she is trying to sleep through it and is thinking about whether it is worth waking up to cry. She was always given medicine by the nurse when she had a lot of pain, but it didn't diminish our heartache at what she had to suffer.