At the same time, it was hard, because there are so many memories tied to the items that we shared. The rocking chair, the changing table, the baby scale... It feels good to be cleaning out Liza's old room, and it feels good that all of these things will not go to waste. At the same time, though, it's a painful reminder of all the things we didn't get to do with her since her short 7 weeks of life were spent in the hospital.
When a new momma prepares a special room for her baby, she does not expect that the baby will not make it home to live in that room.
I've learned that grief comes in waves, and different things trigger it at different times. This was definitely a big weekend for triggers, and I was plunged back into the sad, depressed, tired emotional state that I've come to associate with grief. At one point through my tears I thought, "I don't want to go on without her." For me, working through grief and the will to go on often revolves around themes like this.
Ultimately, I do make a choice to go on without her... but not necessarily because I want to. It's a scrape-myself-off-the-couch choice. It is a deliberate, mental determination to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. For me, moving on isn't a once and done thing. It happens in phases and stages, and I am still learning what it means to move on.
2 comments:
i love reading your blog. i love you Mandy. <3
Kacie
Mandy,
What a huge and very brave step this cleaning of Liza's room was. I am proud of you for all the guts it took to put one foot in front of the other to do this.
It is remarkable how much meaning and emotions humans connect to objects. I remember in a screenwriting course I took in college, the professor kept telling us that a picture/objects can say 1000 words. He was urging us to use objects repeatedly because people connect meaning to them that goes beyond what the dialogue can say. Like the handkerchief in Brave Heart, the elf's necklace in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the trees in Avatar, and the photos in Up. Mere objects become infused with powerful emotional meaning when they signify relationships in raw simplicity. No wonder this room cleaning process was so filled with grief triggers!
The room you created for Liza was so beautiful, Mandy. It rocked, and fluttered, and sung of your love for her. I am glad you have these lovely photographs of Liza’s room as keepsakes - the way you had it all perfectly ready for her. I am so sorry that Liza did not get the chance to experience these artistic expressions of your love. And I am so sorry that you did not have the chance to watch her enjoy and grow in her room. So many dreams this cleaning process must have awakened.
Your love, Liza did have the chance to know and experience your love. It was evident in her preciously few days that she knew her Momma’s love and responded to it. Although her physical room will be filled with new things, your beautiful love for her – the special place in your heart just for Liza – remains and always will. The room that was, was a symbol of a beautiful Momma's love that remains.
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