Memories of her are everywhere.
We just got back from vacation and the past few weeks have been a blur of catching up at work and home. For anyone who has been following my blog, I know I've been a negligent blogger! What can I say, it can happen to the best of us. In the midst of the craziness, I can tell my mind has not had enough time to process grief recently, because memories of her are popping up all over the place.
When I called the vet about my cat's medicine and a need to schedule an appointment, in my perception I was a bit harshly treated by the receptionist. [Disclaimer: my perception can be quite askew sometimes.]
Anyway, it took me back in time to this time two years ago. I was a first time expectant mother talking to so many doctors, nurses, and staff. I was just trying to understand what was wrong with the baby girl inside of me and make informed choices about her plan of care. Sometimes, the health workers were not very kind. Sometimes, they were not very considerate or compassionate. I was scared and trying to protect my baby, and at times I felt like I was being attacked or blamed for what was wrong with her.
So when I felt a bit mistreated by a busy receptionist at the vet who in reality was probably trying to manage five blinking phone lines and make it to her next coffee break, I was emotionally distraught. It took me a few minutes to realize my feelings were connected to some of the events that happened with our Liza Jane. Once I did, I was able to cry and let that pain out, and get back into the swing of my day.
Grief is like that. Little things can trigger big, painful memories. I find that if I've gone a few weeks without taking time to think about her, or talk about her, this can happen even more readily. And from what I've read from the experts on this sort of thing, losing a child is even worse than many grief experiences. The hole doesn't completely close. You go on with your life, you make choices to continue living. But the void is there.
She would have been two years old this coming November, and I guess it's time to think about how we want to remember that milestone. Part of me doesn't want to face it, but another part of me knows things will go much better if I do.
