We were at an event the other evening to support the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP) which took such good care of our daughter. There is a committee we belong to that is comprised of young professionals who support CHOP. Being in that room with other individuals of a similar age and circumstance made me realize: I don't fit in with my peers.
Many people that we met asked us what motivated us to support CHOP, or how we got connected with the group. It was difficult to explain to them. Most of them were there because of a "success story." For some, their child had been cured of cancer at CHOP. Others had nieces or nephews, or other relatives and friends, who had been successfully treated at CHOP. One person had herself lived at CHOP as a patient for 1.5 years of her childhood and as an adult wanted to support the hospital that saved her life.
Nobody else we talked to had a child who died at CHOP. Many of them did not know how to respond when we shared our story. And this highlighted for me a feeling I've had for a while, that I have been aged beyond my years by this experience.
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| Glasses that I need to wear more often than I'd like... one more sign of getting older. |
It's true, I have noticed some accelerated signs of aging in my body due to the stress of having a newborn in the hospital for 7 weeks and subsequently dealing with the grief. But even more noticably I have seen my psyche age due to the waters we have passed through. I identify more with the 40- and 50-something (and beyond) crowd of people that I generally meet, who are going through hardships of mid- and late-life, than I identify with my own peers.
I sometimes wonder if others who have lost a child, or gone through another form of intense loss, feel this way. It can be a lonely feeling, one of not fitting in any more. Anybody else ever feel you've aged beyond your physical years?
3 comments:
I felt that way starting about 3 months after my baby was stillborn and my life settled a bit. I didn't feel like I could relate to other 20 year olds on any level below superficial. And even that at times was hard. I found myself very much drawn to those my parents age and a little younger. I didn't feel like I could have conversations, because, even though the conversations wouldn't have to all be about Luke, I was still always very aware of what had happened and how it had changed my life. So yeah... I can completely relate to this...
Ya know, that explains a lot. I have never been the same since we lost Bryn, and I was 22. Losing a child makes you grow up in some ways fast, and in someways even robs you. It's hard for me to let loose sometimes, and I think that might be why. I was lucky enough to have a healthy baby already, and then was soon blessed with another. That third pregnancy was emotionally tough, and poor kid was so sheltered when he was younger. Losing a child sure makes you appreciate the ones who are in your life, but the pain and the loss never really go away, but it does get easier. Your involvement in CHOP is very inspiring. I am sure it's very hard to hear their stories and even harder to share yours. You and Luke are amazing.
I know for me as I was in my twenties and lost two brothers and had already lost one baby that I definitely felt much older than my years. Watching my oldest brother, who was like a second father to me since he was 21 years older, go through a battle with AIDS. this and the suicide of my other brother just a couple years apart played a big part in how I look at the value of life. many I know do not experience this sort of stuff so young. I had recently married and lost one baby before losing my brothers and it definitely played a role in how I made all the decisions of my days after. Thankfully the best decision to follow God was made in this time. Since then I have had many other things happen that have molded me into the person I am today. It gives me a very unique perspective on life that I know no one else quite has. I still feel separate from the main crowd, even the main crowd of Christians. It helps me to remember I have my best friend at my side and he has been there with me through all these ups and downs. But sometimes I do feel I am alone out here in a world I don't quite get.
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